Some of my darkest moments, when I felt at my lowest and the future seemed bleakest, was when I became frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to deal with the things i felt i should be able to cope with. I was trying to do too much at once, and when I realised that it wasn't possible, I became self critical and punishing. If I wasn't able to do it to the standard I felt was acceptable, then I might as well not bother at all. I might as well continue to ruin everything because it was clear that I wasn't capable. I was a failure and I gave up.
Things began to feel even more bleak because after giving up, it left an awful lot of time with nothing to fill it. Having empty space and no plans looming in front of me was the terrifying. I felt unsafe, lost, and at some points suicidal. I hated how everyday was difficult and I couldn't bear the thought of an entire life time stuck in that state. I was depressed and it seemed like nothing could pull me out of it.
I'm hard on myself because I feel like a disappointment. Having spent most my life being strong and hiding my problems from people, it felt wrong to be so openly 'damaged'. Having people worry for me made me feel even more angry at myself. I blame myself frequently for the effects my illness has on the people around me. I feel like I should not have gotten myself in this place. I wanted to remove myself from the world and escape from the situation I was in. All I could focus on was how unbearable each day was and how I couldn't cope with the future and would not be able to achieve anything worthwhile. I had ruined things for good.
One day, I'm not entirely sure where this came from, but I decided that things needed to change. I started trying to give myself a task each day. Something to keep me occupied. I started making bracelets, cards, scrapbooks, and throwing myself into lots of projects. Eventually I could feel things improving and I was able to start thinking a little further ahead. I felt uncomfortable being uncertain with the future and I needed to make decisions.
I needed a purpose - but more importantly, the purpose needed to be close to my heart. I was lacking passion. So far I felt like I was just enduring life, not really caring about it. Nothing from my past felt real. Everything felt mundane and boring. Although I am beginning to accept that a large reason for that was that I was depressed - I think I was coming to a cross roads in my life where I realised that the person I was wasn't happy, and I had a chance to reinvent myself.
I decided that I want to study psychology and work in mental health. I want my experiences to define me in a positive way - I want to use my insight to help others. Since making that decision I've feltlike a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I have a reason to try hard to recover. When things feel too difficult and I feel unable to cope, I might still feel down and angry at myself, but I'm more able to endure the overwhelming emotions knowing that they can't last forever and that I need to be strong to do the things that I really want.
Not everyday is good, but I'm learning to take one day at a time and to try not to over analyse things. It's challenging, and i'm far from perfect, but I feel liberated to keep trying. I'd spent a long time blaming myself for the circumstances I'd found myself in. When you analyse your situation obsessively, its easy to paralyse yourself. It's a cycle of self blame, depression, and self sabotage. You feel miserable but you feel like you deserve to be there because its your fault, and you only seem to fail at everything anyway so you might as well keep going down into the deep dark pit.
If you're stuck and feel like you can't change, I know that having someone simply tell you that 'change is possible' is useless. It's too difficult to believe, and even if you could change, what is there really worth changing for? It might be time to start thinking about whether you really have what you want in life. Do you do things because its what people expect you to do? Perhaps you're afraid that if you want to reinvent yourself, people wont be able to accept the 'new you', the 'real you'.
Change is scary and its hard. But change is also natural, and its something that we all need to accept. The choices I made at school and university suited me then, but now that I've been through this difficult experience, I'm a different person. I don't know who that person is yet, which makes me uneasy, but I'm excited to meet her. I think she will be happier than the old me!
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