A New Year, A New You!!

Ok so how many times have you made a New Years resolution only to abandon it mid january? It feels so empowering as the clock strikes 12 New Years eve to think this year will be different. We make all sorts of promises we could never keep in a realistic world, but at New Years it feels like change is really possible. We feel confident that we can definately stick to it this time and this new lease of energy makes us feel good about ourselves. Maybe some of that is the alcohol, but I think we should use that energy to actually make changes that we know we can achieve.

Instead of expecting to be a completely changed, perfect version of yourself by New Years Day, it's better to try and think of changes a little more 'down to earth'.

I'm never going to touch a cigerette becomes I'm going to reduce the number I smoke gradually.

I'm going to drop two dress sizes becomes I'm going to make small changes to make my diet healthier and introduce more activity

I'm going to recover completely from my illness becomes I'm going to tackle the the things that I know I'm strong enough to handle, one day at a time

There's nothing wrong with having a long term goal - but the way you achieve that is small steps at a time. It doesn't happen over night. It takes time, work, and perserverance to make changes to your life. If you wake up New Years Day expecting to be able to change completely, when you can't acheive it several days, weeks, down the line, you'll feel like a failure and chances are, you'll give up on yourself.

Remember, change is not always a straight line, it's ok to go backwards -  no one is perfect! Don't expect too much at once, you should not be expected to always get it right. And above all, enjoy the steps along the way. If you think, When I get to point A, I will be happy chances are that when you get to point A, you will not find the completeness that you desire. The key is to love and enjoy every moment. The perfect you does not exist - if you love who you are with all the flaws, there's nothing more perfect than that!!

Happy New Year x

Using Christmas Left Overs

 So we had some left over sausage meat and I decided to make some sausage rolls with it! It's my first time making them and I couldn't resist taking photos and sharing them on my blog.

I had a roll of puff pastry and i simply mixed the sausage meat with cooked red onions and herbs, rolled it into small balls. I then cut the pastry into strips and placed the sausage meat balls on one half, egg washed the other hald and folded it in half so that the sausage was parceled in pastry. I pressed around the edges and then cut the left over pastry away. I brushed the top with egg yolk and placed in the oven at gas mark 4. Mine took about 45 minutes, but my oven doesn't work properly! They probably should only take 25 minutes or so. As long as they are golden brown and crisp when you take them out you can't win!

They tasted perfect with the left over turkey and stuffing. They were so easy, next time I might experiment with chilli or cheese and make some for new years!! Yum!

Keeping Positive This Christmas

I always find that after the build up to Christmas, I'm left with a sinking feeling of disappointment. Often the day itself is an anticlimax - so much pressure to be happy anf enjoy every moment. When we put Christmas on a pedestal, we set ourselves up for disappointment. It'll never be perfect.

The low after christmas can often follow you into the new year and right on into January. Everything feels doom and gloom - we realise that we're not where we want to be in life, perhaps we've made mistakes or have regrets, life just keeps on passing us by and we never seem to be moving forwards - there's a whole new year ahead of us and you can't help but feel that nothing can change.

Or perhaps you feel pumped with energy? Full of ideas - this year is going to be the new me! It feels like this time things will be different. You sign up to the gym, start dressing nice and making an effort to go out and meet new people, perhaps sign up to a few classes, start looking for a new job and career? But for some reason, this boost in motivation never seems to last. Soon your back in your old rut and all those dreams and ambitions fade into something unachievable and unrealistic.

It often seems to be our way of thinking that lets us down. Our low self esteem and self worth can hold us back. We focus on the negatives, on what we can't do rather on what we can do. Once we start thinking like that it becomes incredibly difficult to break free from the opressive negative thoughts. They paralyse you.

It doesn't have to be this way. You can start to make changes - they wont happen as fast as you might want but its important to remember that if we can learn unhelpful thinking styles, then we can unlearn them. It can take many years to learn these ways of thinking, so it'll take just as long, and even more hard work to break free. Don't let that stop you from embracing change. Challenging yourself can seem like an almost impossible task, but it's also the most rewarding.

It's always important to be realistic. It's better to take smaller, more manageable steps to avoid being overwhelmed. Here are some ways that you can help make this Christmas a more positive and enjoyable experience:

• Keep Expectations Realistic - try not to visualise a 'perfect' christmas - it will never be how you want it and you'll always feel disappointed. Instead, concentrate on enjoying particular moments, or putting extra effort into only a few areas, Don't try to handle too much, do what is manageable with the time and money you have.
• Be Organised and Delegate - try and write a list of all the things you need to do and take time to work out how you can get it done in the time you have. It can help to delegate tasks to other family members. No one should feel the full responsibility of Christmas on their shoulders. It can also help bring people together if everyone chips in. You want to make sure the load of responsibility is manageable in order to stay stress free.
• Don't forget the Basics - eat regular, get enough sleep, try not to stop doing the activities that keep yo well. It can be easy to let things slide when you're under a lot of pressure, but by doing these things you are only going to make things harder for yourself. Take care of yourself and you'll find things easier to manage, feel more capable to cope, and you wont be as stressed.
• Change traditions that make you anxious or fearful - there's no point doing something if you don't enjoy it. Often we feel obliged to do things if they are tradition - but there is nothing stopping you from making changes other than your own worries. Try something new, it could be just the excitement needed to make Christmas feel special again.
• Be in the present - when there's a hundred and one things to think about we often spend more time thinking about things we need to do rather than enjoying the moment. Happiness can be in the now - enjoy the little things. Think about what you used to love about christmas and let yourself enjoy them again. If you find your mind wondering, try and bring yourself back to the present. Soak in the atmosphere, the smells, the food, the company.
• Avoid overdoing the alcohol - it's too easy to think alcohol can calm your worries or anxieties, to make a situation more easy to cope with, however it can worsen your depression and make things feel even worse. That's not to say you can't enjoy a drink, just keep a limit on it if you know it can become a problem.
• List all the achievements you've made that year - even if you don't think you've done anything worthwhile, you'll be surprised by how much you've actually done. Make a list of the positives, the things you're most proud of, and read it everyday. If you can't think of anything, ask the people closest to you, I'm sure they can pick out a whole number of achievements that you couldn't see. If you get your mind to focus on the positives and keep reinforcing them, eventually it'll become more of a habit.
• Don't beat yourself up if things don't go to plan - if you find yourself getting low or stressed, it's ok! Everyone is allowed to have a bad day. Just take a deep breath and tell yourself that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow you can start things on a positive note. Don't punish yourself for being human!

I wish a happy and positive christmas to you all!

Christmas Cake

I should have posted this yesterday but I didn't have time, and seeing as I wont have time tomorrow, I'll just have to post twice today!

This is the first attempt at making a christmas cake. I started in October, baked the fruit cake and have been feeding it brandy every two weeks since then. I have added marzipan and icing, and had my first go at making a fondant bow and holly leaves!

I feel like it's my baby - I've had to look after it and tend to its alcoholic needs - and now it's all grown up. It's a bit rough on the edges, but hopefully it'll taste great!!

What's the worst that can happen?

We've all been in a situation where we've been worried about something - usuallly we're unsure about the outcome, or there's a lot of uncertainty which makes it difficult to foresee how things will turn out - and then you think what's the worst that can happen? Evidently, more often than not, the outcome is never as terrible as you imagine, and it is nearly always never the worst.

The problem I keep having is when something unexpected happens that I hadn't accounted for - like if a friend isn't answering their phone or perhaps i'm meeting someone but they aren't on time - often the very first thought I have is that the worst possible thing has happened.

For example, I was waiting for someone to come and visit me today at 2pm. The time came and went and there was no knock at the door. Eventually it was 3pm, 4pm, 5pm - and its now 9pm and I have heard nothing of why this person hasn't turned up.

Various thoughts go through my head: 

1. I got the day or time wrong - I'm not convinced by this, I specifically remember setting the time - so I know this is not likely.

2. This person has been called out to an emergency - this is very likely on account of this persons profession - however I find it very hard to believe as I would have expected a call.

3. I did something wrong so they don't want to see me - this seems more appealing - it would explain why they didn't contact me - it would make me feel more annoyed at myself rather than feeling angry at the person who didn't turn up which is something I feel much more comfortable with. However I struggle to figure out what I did wrong, so there is some doubt.

4. They've died in some tragic accident - this then lead to several possible causes of death, a) car accident, b) possibly attacked by someone between now and when the appointment was arranged, c) house fire, d) the building where they work has somehow been destroyed, e.g. bomb, fire.


As far fetched as it seems, I managed to convince myself that option 4 was the most likely reason. I know it's irrational, and I don't believe that it's the actual reason, but it doesn't stop me worrying or imagining it.

I have a tendency to catastrophise. So if someone isn't answering the phone, I worry they've been hurt or died, if I'm on a train I can easily imagine it crashing, If someone is being quiet or irritable I feel like I'm somehow responsible or that I need to make it my responsibility to make it better. Luckily, I never let my worries or actions known, I can worry to death about it, but I will try my hardest not to let them affect me outwardly. I know how crazy they sound, and I know that if I start believing them, they'll only get stronger.

I frequently have to tell myself to stop it. I look for ways to distract myself and take my mind off it. I don't know why I can't just shrug and say what's the worst that can happen? Because I know I'll start thinking about the worst, and that's all I'll think about - so instead of feeling less stressed, I'll become even more worried and anxious.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this. In some ways it's probably normal to analyse and work out different outcomes - it seems like a logical way to prepare yourself for the future. However, when it becomes more harmful, leads you to fret and worry, lose sleep, become completely preoccupied by disturbing thoughts, or perhaps leads you to act out in ways that are not reasonable - it's a sign that perhaps you may need to take action to try and tone down the anxiety.

Lately I feel like I've been living constantly on edge. Everything feels like a possible danger or threat. It's exhausting. However, I'm starting to talk more about my worries. It's good because being able to talk to someone else helps me to rationalise my thoughts. They can put things into perspective when I can't. I can work through the anxieties and realise that my worries are usually based mostly on my presumptions. So I'm making progress - but I still have a long way to go!

My Mind is Racing

The last week or so I've really struggle with sleep. It seems that whenever my brain stops concentrating on something absorbing, it starts to plan and analyse and second guess and worry - it just can't switch itself off! It makes it very difficult to concentrate and even harder to just enjoy the moment. It feels like I need to be planning ahead all the time, to have control and confidence in the future rather than having to acccept that it's ok to be uncertain.

If I'm not planning and working things out then reality starts to creep in. This is when things get difficult to cope with. Because not only to I begin to realise that the things I'm planning are unachievable, in the far future, and unlikely to play out exactly as I imagined - but that overwhelming sad and empty feeling returns and I realise that I'm not enjoying the present and that the future is very much likely to follow the same trend.

I then start to wonder why I'm not able to enjoy reality. Why must I search for safety and comfort in my own mind? Why does escape sound more appealing than just living? So many questions! And they always end up being very negative answers.

It's because there's something wrong with you. You shouldn't feel like this. You should be happy.

And this then leads to self harm, inward anger, self sabatage, self hatred - the list goes on. And the more unhappy this makes me, the more I want to escape back into my little world. What's worse, is I know exactly what's going on, I've started to understand the pattern and the reasons behind my actions, and despite this I still find it impossible to break the cycle.

I haven't quite figured out how to stop my mind from racing. I usually find that its good to do something that takes takes up all my attention - such as arts and crafts, puzzles, even blogging. But I can't maintain that forever, and eventually my body and mind need to relax. But it seems impossible to do that at the moment. I guess it's something to get used to, something that I need to keep practicing. Thinking and analysing has become a habit for me and we all know how difficult it is to break a habit.

The brain is very good at learning things and often it learns to work in ways that seem useful in the short term, but are actually not helpful in the long term. I overthink and analyse because it relieves anxiety and helps me cope with the difficult emotions (sadness, anger and depression). However in the long term it makes me tired, can make me feel overwhelmed or like I can't cope. It prevents me from sleeping, and it actually makes me feel more anxious and worried about things. When you don't sleep you become more susceptible to the negative thoughts - eventually it feels like nothing is right, you've failed at everything, and things will only get worse.

I think the key to stopping a racing mind is probably to practice recognising when you're getting lost in thoughts and to find a way that works for you to make you stop and focus on something more useful. I've read about a couple of methods that I'll list here;

• Shouting STOP - whether you want to do it in your head or out loud. It's a method that many cognitive behavioural therapists use to tackle negative thoughts. Just telling yourself to stop can sometimes be enough to cause a quick change in thinking style.
• Write down your thoughts and challenge them - if there's something in particular you're worried about, it can be useful to write it down and try to find ways to solve it. And once you've come up with some solutions, you take action instead of continuing to think about it. This has helped me a few times when I've had a difficult situation to solve. It's also helpful if your having negative thoughts. If you can write it down and try to think of all the evidence that supports the negative thought, and all the evidence that doesn't - it'll soon become clear that the negative assumption has no factual basis.
• Talk, talk and talk! - sometimes you need to voice something, just get things off your chest and afterwards it can feel like a concrete block has been lifted off your shoulders. If you don't have anyone to talk to, or don't feel comfortable talking to someone, try using online messaging forums, blogging, even talking to a helpline or just writing it down. Find a way that works for you.
• Physical Activity - exercising can be very absorbing, and not only that but it can help lift your mood and make you feel so much more positive about yourself. As an added bonus, you'll feel so exhausted that chances are, you'll be too exhausted to think and hopefully you'll have a half decent nights sleep!
• Get a hobby that uses your concentration - writing, reading, sewing, puzzles, knitting, drawing, playing an instrument - think about what you enjoy (or used to enjoy) and get stuck in. If you're not sure, try googling different hobbies and see if anything sparks your imagintation.
• Try not to plan too far ahead - give yourself things to enjoy in the here and now. Take on day at a time. Write it down somewhere and go and read it everytime you find yourself thinking or worrying about something that'll happen next week, or month, or year. One day at a time! How can you make today a day to be proud of? Try and be in the here and now. This will take a lot of practice and will be even harder if your mood is low, but I'm finding it becomes easier the more you practice.

It's not easy. It takes a lot of practice and a lot of time. It can be frustrating, especially when it feels like you're going no where. Try keeping a diary, tracking your mood and thoughts. This makes it easier to look back and see the improvements. Often it's easy to only see the mistakes.

I'm going to keep trying and keep practicing. I look forward to the time when I will be able to manage my thoughts and take time to relax and enjoy the moment!

Visit my new page!

So, as an ongoing project I'm going to start creating pages with addition information and self help. The first page I've made is dedicated to eating disorders. So far I've only made one topic, but I will continue to update when I have spare time so keep an eye out for new posts!

I hope to evolve this blog into a tool to help people to take responsibility for their own wellness and to learn how to help themselves to stay healthy and well - as well as being able to get help and advice where needed!

In time I hope to set up a message board - so hopefully early next year I'll be able to get that set up.

Make Your Own Christmas Cards With Material Scraps!

This is something I've been working on over the last two weeks. I found some gorgeous christmas material in a fabric shop and thought they'd be perfect for christmas cards!! I know they aren't the most professional looking cards, but I enjoyed making them and as a beginner, I feel very proud of my little cards!

I used a fabric that had lots of christmas images that where very easy to cut out into squares. I also used ribbons, stick on jewels, beads, gold and silver tissue paper, card, and spray glue.

Firstly I cut out the squares of fabric I liked. I cut out a square of either silver and gold tissue paper and stuck them to the card using spray glue. I prefer spray glue because it hold really well and it doesn't crinkle like PVA can. I then played around with the fabric until I found an arrangement I was happy with. I then spray glued the fabric to the card and left to dry.

I used a variety of things to embellish the cards - some were more time consuming than others, but all look very christmas and shiny! The quicker cards I used ribbon to outline the material (like the reindeer and snowman card at the top of the post). I also used sticky gems to add a little extra something.

My favourite cards took a little longer, so I didn't do as many as I liked. I sewed beads onto the material (as you can see on the left) by making a stitch and threading a bead or two down the thread and continuing with the stick. I tried to match the beads with the colours, so lots of golds, greens and red, to keep it traditional!

I finished my cards with a little 'Merry Christmas' label which i glued on.

Overall I'm glad how they turned out. I was struggling to come up with ideas, but when I came across the material I was inspired! The smaller cards took about two hours each, but the cards with beads took about an extra hour, but I think it was worth it! Next year I think I'll start a little sooner, so I can sew lots more beads!

Like I said, not too professional, but hopefully my friends and family appreciate the effort!

Why Do I Keep Making The Same Mistakes?

Some days it seems like I could never change. I fall down the same trap over and over. I know what I should do to stay well, but I can't seem to stop doing all the things that are bad for me. I can even stop myself and acknowledge that I shouldn't be doing what I am, but I still follow through most times.

I have days where I'm motivated and feel good, but there are a lot of days that it just seems like I need to end the day badly. For some reason, if I have a good day, I can suddenly panic and try to sabatage my progress. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to have good days, or that i'm used to feeling rubbish that I'm not used to feeling good yet, or maybe I am worried that having good days means that I might lose support.

I don't think it's uncommon. I think that the majority of us do things that we know we shouldn't but still do. I wonder why we can learn from somethings, but then others we never seem to learn from. There must be something that we get from doing it.

For example. I know that if I drink alcohol, I will feel more depressed, and most likely end up feeling angry, and wanting to hurt myself. However, knowing that, I still find myself turning to drink if I'm feeling empty and low. So I must be getting some benefit from alcohol - temporary escape, brief numbing of emotions, a way to cope - but what is hard to accept is that the cost far outweighs the benefit.

So how do I stop myself from making the same mistakes over and over? Here's some ideas:

• Finding a distraction when I am feeling the urge to drink - something that is absorbing, hands on, and involves a lot of attention, e.g. a puzzle, blogging, making cards or bracelets etc
• Trying to acknowledge the triggers - understanding what emotions cause the need to drink and what situations / times of day are likely to bringe on those emotions can help to prepare distractions and alternatives.
• Telling someone / seeing a friend - there's nothing more distracting than a good friend. Maybe talking about what's on my chest might make the urge to drink disappear.
• Write a list of the Pros & Cons of drinking - It's good to put things in perspective and remind myself of how rubbish I will feel afterwards.
• Remind myself of my overall goals - keep motivated!!!
• Don't buy alcohol - a bit extreme, but it might be sensible at times when things are bad.

So I guess there is a lot I need to work on. It's so easy to sit and write this, but its putting things into action that is the real test. I know I can do this. I've made a lot of progress so far, but I get so frustrated with myself when I deliberately do things that aren't helpful, especially when I want to recover so much!

Surviving Christmas When You Have An Eating Disorder

I don't want to focus this blog entirely on eating disorders, but obviously its an area I know pretty well, so It's a topic close to my heart.

Christmas is upon us, and it hit me big time on thursday when I started to think about how I was going to cope with it. All that went through my head was PANIC!! So much food, so much pressure, so many people, so much expectation. How will I survive?




I've received some good advice and help sheets over the last few weeks, so I thought I'd post some advice on ways to make Christmas more managable.

• Write down your worries and anxieties and challenge them. Identify what is your main concern and try and make plans to tackle it. It also helps to rationalise your thoughts to help reduce anxiety.
• Pre-Plan. If you are going out, make sure you see the menu first to avoid any surprises and choose what you will have before hand. If you will be eating around relatives or friends, perhaps discuss with them what food will be prepared so you know what you'll be facing.
• Influence the meal. I don't mean to say that everyone must eat the same as you, but it might be worth asking whoever is cooking if they could add something you're comfortable with, or if they could cook something in a different way, maybe offer to help cook so you can feel more relaxed about how things have been handled. But just a warning, be careful not to let the eating disorder take over.
• Talk to someone you trust - have them with you. It's good to have support from someone who understands how you are feeling. Share your worries, fears and anxieties, and maybe ask them to distract you if you look uncomfortable or finding things a struggle.
• Remind yourself for the reasons of Christmas. It's a time of celebration, family, and being grateful for the year. It's also a time of food. It's normal to enjoy food and treat yourself during the christmas season.
• Think back to Christmas before the Eating Disorder. I'm sure you used to love christmas. If you did it then, you will be able to do it again!
• Remember that set backs and slips are normal. If you find you can't manage, or you have a lapse, this is not a failure, you are not faltering - its and opportunity to learn and move on!
• If you're tempted to binge or the feeling of fullness is too much take time out! Listen to music, take a short walk, have a bath, phone a friend.
• Do not expect everything to be perfect. Be realistic and be proud of what you can manage and any positive steps you have taken. No one is perfect, so don't be hard on yourself if things don't work out quite as you planned.
• Occassional overeating will not make you fat! Having Christmas dinner, or a few chocolates, will not have any effect long term on your weight. It's ok to overeat sometimes, especially at Christmas.
• Do what you can manage. Don't push yourself to do something you don't feel you can cope with. This works the other way round too. If you feel like you can manage something but are worried about people's reactions, maybe start by challenging yourself when there are less people around or when you're with people you trust.
• Don't isolate yourself. Being alone when everyone else is enjoying themselves is not going to make you feel good sbout yourself. You might feel like if you join in you'll be ruining Christmas for everyone, but I'm sure if your family and friends care for you, they will love to spend time with you, whether you're ill or well. Try it.

I'm sure there's loads of good advice out there. It's a tough time, but its also a good time to challenge yourself and to practice managing your anxieties. The most important thing is to talk about it. You'll be surprised how more relaxed you'll feel once you've got it off your chest.

Decorated Personalised Photoframe - A perfect Gift!

At last I've been able to get my camera to work, so I can finally start sharing the little projects that I get up to!

This was an idea I had for a leaving present. It's very cheap and very easy!

The two people I was giving it to had crushes on Rob from The Great British Bake Off, and Gregg from Masterchef (yeah I don't really get that either, but she has an odd taste in men!!).

You will need:

• A cheap frame, or any size - try and discount stores etc - or perhaps modify an old frame you already have.
• Ribbon, stickers, sequins, whatever you like!
• A photo or picture.

I brought my frame from Hawkins Bazaar. It cost me £1.50. I used adhesive ribbons (you can buy it from most craft shops) but you can use anything you like. I prefer the adhesive ribbon in this case because its easy and less messy :)

I cut the ribbon into measured strips and used it to decorate the sides and front. It's good if you can find something that will match the photo, or will relate to the person you want to give it to.

Once you're pleased with the decoration. Insert you're picture and you are done! It took me about 20 minutes to do - obviously it'll take longer if you want to be more adventurous with the decoration.

You could even make them for yourself, if you have any photos you want to display, or maybe you have some pretty material or wallpaper and you want to display it? What's great about this, is that it is so flexible, and the options are endless!!

Getting Stuck - Failure or a Chance to Reinvent Yourself?

Some of my darkest moments, when I felt at my lowest and the future seemed bleakest, was when I became frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to deal with the things i felt i should be able to cope with. I was trying to do too much at once, and when I realised that it wasn't possible, I became self critical and punishing. If I wasn't able to do it to the standard I felt was acceptable, then I might as well not bother at all. I might as well continue to ruin everything because it was clear that I wasn't capable. I was a failure and I gave up.

Things began to feel even more bleak because after giving up, it left an awful lot of time with nothing to fill it. Having empty space and no plans looming in front of me was the terrifying. I felt unsafe, lost, and at some points suicidal. I hated how everyday was difficult and I couldn't bear the thought of an entire life time stuck in that state. I was depressed and it seemed like nothing could pull me out of it.

I'm hard on myself because I feel like a disappointment. Having spent most my life being strong and hiding my problems from people, it felt wrong to be so openly 'damaged'. Having people worry for me made me feel even more angry at myself. I blame myself frequently for the effects my illness has on the people around me. I feel like I should not have gotten myself in this place. I wanted to remove myself from the world and escape from the situation I was in. All I could focus on was how unbearable each day was and how I couldn't cope with the future and would not be able to achieve anything worthwhile. I had ruined things for good.

One day, I'm not entirely sure where this came from, but I decided that things needed to change. I started trying to give myself a task each day. Something to keep me occupied. I started making bracelets, cards, scrapbooks, and throwing myself into lots of projects. Eventually I could feel things improving and I was able to start thinking a little further ahead. I felt uncomfortable being uncertain with the future and I needed to make decisions.

I needed a purpose - but more importantly, the purpose needed to be close to my heart. I was lacking passion. So far I felt like I was just enduring life, not really caring about it. Nothing from my past felt real. Everything felt mundane and boring. Although I am beginning to accept that a large reason for that was that I was depressed - I think I was coming to a cross roads in my life where I realised that the person I was wasn't happy, and I had a chance to reinvent myself.

I decided that I want to study psychology and work in mental health. I want my experiences to define me in a positive way - I want to use my insight to help others. Since making that decision I've feltlike a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I have a reason to try hard to recover. When things feel too difficult and I feel unable to cope, I might still feel down and angry at myself, but I'm more able to endure the overwhelming emotions knowing that they can't last forever and that I need to be strong to do the things that I really want.

Not everyday is good, but I'm learning to take one day at a time and to try not to over analyse things. It's challenging, and i'm far from perfect, but I feel liberated to keep trying. I'd spent a long time blaming myself for the circumstances I'd found myself in. When you analyse your situation obsessively, its easy to paralyse yourself. It's a cycle of self blame, depression, and self sabotage. You feel miserable but you feel like you deserve to be there because its your fault, and you only seem to fail at everything anyway so you might as well keep going down into the deep dark pit.

If you're stuck and feel like you can't change, I know that having someone simply tell you that 'change is possible' is useless. It's too difficult to believe, and even if you could change, what is there really worth changing for? It might be time to start thinking about whether you really have what you want in life. Do you do things because its what people expect you to do? Perhaps you're afraid that if you want to reinvent yourself, people wont be able to accept the 'new you', the 'real you'.

Change is scary and its hard. But change is also natural, and its something that we all need to accept. The choices I made at school and university suited me then, but now that I've been through this difficult experience, I'm a different person. I don't know who that person is yet, which makes me uneasy, but I'm excited to meet her. I think she will be happier than the old me!

I'm Not Sick Enough

One of the barriers that stops someone from accepting the help they need is that they often feel undeserving. I always felt that I wasn't sick enough to really need support. I thought that if I told someone they would laugh at me and tell me to stop being silly. If I had been able to overcome this fear then I could have got help a lot sooner and perhaps I wouldn't have crossed the line where I was told I couldn't keep going. It's almost a relief to be given permission to put your hands up and say 'Ok, I can't cope anymore'.

Sometimes it feels like you have to be rock bottom before you can admit that life is too hard. If you appear fine on the outside, then why would people believe you're struggling? You feel weak for not being able to handle problems like everyone else. It's most likely that the majority of people around you aren't as 'held together' as they seem, but when you're feeling low and finding it difficult to manage it's very hard to think in a way that is clear and rational.

You should be able to handle this. You should be able to cope. You're not sick enough to really need help. You'll be making a fuss. They'll accuse you of lying or overexaggerating. Things aren't bad enough for me to ask for help.

It's these feelings of unworthiness and guilt that trap you. They are powerful emotions that can be very dangerous. Even if you decide to get treatment, the feelings still stay with you. No matter how unwell you are, there will always be someone sicker, always someone who could use the help more than you. I find it very difficult to accept that I deserve to take time out to care for myself. I often worry that I'm wasting professionals time, that they don't really need to be spending time trying to help me. I feel immense guilt that I should be working, should be coping.

My therapist told be something the other day which really made me think:

"Yes, there are people more sick than you, but that doesn't mean you are less important than them. You deserve as much help as anyone."

I was struck by his honesty. The truth is, everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves help. It might feel like you're being stupid but if you are not happy and feel that you need support, then you should feel no shame in asking for it. There is no scale of sickness where you must fall below a particular threshold to deserve help. If you had a friend and they were struggling a little, would you judge them or think they were weak if they asked for support? Or would you do everything you could to help them? If your friends and family deserve to be happy, then so do you!

Allow yourself to have some time out. Be nice to yourself. No one is expected to be perfect, its ok to struggle, and its human to need help.

Looking Beyond the Illness

When you suffer from a mental illness, it's far too easy to become that label. At times it can be appealing to hide behind the label, to keep people away and prevent the real you to be seen. It can feel uncomfortable and often the feelings of vulnerability are too much to handle.

When people try and connect with me, try to uncover what truly stirs beneath my eating disorder and depression, I feel quite confused and unsure about what I want. I'm desperate to be seen for who I am, to be able to express myself, to be listened to and accepted for what I have to say. But there is a fear that once I open that door, the world will be invited in and I will lose all privacy. And what will they think of me? I'm plagued by fears that I wont be accepted, that people will laugh at me, that I will not be good enough.

Low self esteem makes it hard to throw away the label. When you hate yourself and constantly criticise yourself - you don't want people to get close to you. If you only cause hurt and create friction, then it can feel better to push everyone away. Become friends with the illness. For me I fear what I would be without the illness. If I'm well, what type of person will I be? If I'm well, all the support that I need will be gone and I'll have to do it all myself again. When people see you starting to get better, they assume you're fine, and it makes alarm bells ring in your head because you're far from fine. Suddenly, being ill is very appealing.

It's a very difficult cycle to break from. Everyone on the outside is almost too happy to see the illness and to accept that as the person. Why? Because its not easy to understand mental illness. How much easier is it to say, he's an alcoholic, she's a depressive, that man's got dementia, that girl is anorexic. When you say that, everyone knows what the problem is and they don't have to delve any deeper than what is staring them in the face.

We all know what an alcoholic is - they drink too much, they're selfish, they're weak. The depressive is unable to cope, a bit of a downer, needs to just get up and get on with things like everyone else. Dementia is just something that happens when you're old, not really there in the head. The anorexic is shallow, wants to be skinny, attention seeking, stupid. And when you let the stereotypes breed, the further from the real people you get. Sometimes it's easier to let the stigma speak for them. If you don't understand something, then its very easy to fear it, and its comforting to have a label because then it becomes comprehensible.

Let's start to understand. Let's help people escape the label. He's not just an alcoholic - he's a friend, a son, a father, a person. Same goes for all mental illness. I'm a real person. I don't want to be judged because I struggle with an eating disorder. If you don't get to know me, then you wont see that I'm not a stereotype. My illness is real, and its hard, and it's damaging. I didn't choose it. No one chooses to have a mental illness. But we can choose to fight it.

To find out more about mental illness check out this website: Mind.org.uk